If you've known me for a while, you know I used to write elaborate Christmas letters full of creative edge. Each year I tried to outdo myself until I hit a wall, and have since retired the practice.However, I came across one from a few years ago that seems worth re-working. This is the "Post North Korean Takeover" version.
-Greetings from the newly annexed Democratic People's Republic of Korea formerly known as Los Angeles, home of the scum that commits such high treason, Sony Pictures Studios.
We wish you the best greetings of the season that have since been ruled out since our dear leader Kim Jong Un has rescued us from the arch traitors who are not worth the air their breathe, and made our leader Dennis Rodman. We hope that your snowfall deepens as the Korean people's yearning for leader Kim Jong Il, who left them amid heavy snowfall years ago.
Before our valiant rescue we have been kept busy with the caring for our children, holding captive the parents to the homework not to be tolerated.. The imperialist school system started them in Japanese and made great progress until our dear leader freed us from such dirty propaganda and eliminated the fascist filth.
Before Kim Jong Un, a great statesman of literary and military accomplishments, who is possessed of outstanding wisdom, rescued us, the children did play sports such as soccer, volleyball, and swimming. All sports have since been declared acts of sycophantic treachery against the state and crushed with the dreams of swimming to Mexico freedom.
Before our dear leader's great triumph over lies, scheming, and provocations that distort and blaspheme our Republic’s bright reality, Christina put her most valiant efforts towards writing Bible studies. She worked in the traitorous school garden which would offer food not given from our beloved leader with matchless pluck and noble revolutionary comradeship. At the harvesting, the children did say“Hurrah!” with feelings of strong yearning and loyalty, extending highest glory and warmest congratulations. For this thieving of glory from our dear leader they were annihilated and firmly punished.
We wish you well in the cruel result of our attack that you deserve. Then you will know that our threat is not hollow. It will be too late to regret the rashness you are accused of as dreaming different dreams, listening to unauthorized music, or watching act of war movies like Home Alone.
As an electronic Christmas letter, let me take a moment to address any who may be "listening" for such emails..
To the CIA: This is satire.
To the FBI: Sorry about/ Congratulations on the job!
To the North Koreans: Satire means a dream of the best that you are hope for.
Photo Credit: http://kimjongunlookingatthings.com